Epic Happy's Pizza Review: "The Dude Does Not Abide"

Pizza delivery is either a great job or a tough one, depending on the day, the weather, and most of all the customer. Pizza delivery horror stories are pretty common, but cold pizza and long wait times are only the tip of the iceberg. Romantic gestures and haiku-like poetry written after the fact are surprisingly common, making cold pizza seem like a non-issue. However, all of that pales in comparison to Kevin J's epic review of the delivery at Happy's Pizza in New Center.

(comment has been edited for length) "Ya ever check out the Happy's mascot? A dumbass looking Have a Nice Day face wearing a ballcap with Rasta colors? His mouth is hanging agape and my favorite part - one eye is a conventional oval while the other, for no good reason, is a triangle. He looks stoned, and more so than that, whoever drew him up looks like they were stoned. Not only that, but the Happy's Pizza theme song is a rip-off of Bobby McFerrin's 'Don't Worry, Be Happy', only thinly veiled enough to protect Happy's from litigation.

Look, there's nothing wrong with going after the stoner market, especially when you're selling pizza, and far be it from me to judge people from partaking in a little herb [...] That being said, you've still got to be able to handle your business, pardna.

I've had a couple experiences with Happy's taking an absurdly long time to deliver and both times the delivery driver's eyes were at half-mast and their whole demeanor indicated they were baked out of their gourds. The one called after an hour asking for directions and still hadn't found us 25 minutes later when he was right down the way.

Then last night my driver gave me pizza with pepperoni, feta and onions instead of the pepperoni, onion, black olive, bacon and jalapeno I had ordered. Clearly the driver had given me the wrong pizza as opposed to the time they simply forgot to add the green peppers I had ordered. I had waited an hour and didn't feel like calling back and waiting more, so I just dug in because, hey, pizza is pizza, I like feta and the one premium topping about added up to the 2 regular toppings I had ordered and didn't get.

Five minutes later Stoney McGee calls back and says, "Hey, I think I gave you the wrong pizza". Obviously the person with the other pizza was a little more discerning than myself. "Yeah, you did," I say, "But I've already ate a piece". "F*CK!" he shouts into the receiver, awkwardly adding, "Alright then.." and hanging up. Kinda crappy of me, but I enjoyed screwing Happy's over for the times they've screwed me over [...]

Me, I'm done drinking the 'Don't Worry, Be Happy' Kool-aid. There's pizza joints that are better, quicker and less prone to mistakes, maaan. The Dude does not abide."
· Happy's Pizza New Center [Yelp]
· All Pizza Week Coverage [-ED-]